You’re Allowed to Not Be Okay with Amy Taylor-Kabbaz

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In this Solo episode Amy talks straight from the heart. It's raw, honest, up front and comforting to hear that we are indeed not alone in our Matresence journey.

Amy touches on:

  • The Mask of Motherhood, including how it can perpetrate a similar pattern and story if pretend that we've got it all together.
  • Acknowledging post pandemic depletion and the cracking open of that and how it impacts us within Motherhood (and beyond).
  • That micro-moments such as one good night sleep, a babysitter for a few hours, a long hot shower does not mean we're ‘fixed' and magically okay.
  • Industrialisation and busy-ness, what that means and redefining success.

Allowing ourselves to not be okay is critical in our journey within Womanhood and makes the larger moments smoother and easier too. To find out more about the Mask of Motherhood and Susan Maushart as mentioned in this episode you can visit

Within this conversations we change the way mothers are valued and seen in our society and spread the whispers of Matrescence together.

Find out more and receive your Matrescence map here


Welcome back mamas recently, once again. I've been reflecting on how much we judge ourselves on whether we're doing okay or not. Even though most of us around the globe have been through nearly two years of a global pandemic of trying to figure out how to mother in one of the most challenging times in how to keep our relationships in our career going when we have so much already going on and yet we expect ourselves to be okay.

We put demands on ourselves to keep showing up with the mask of motherhood. This is a really powerful term that was first created by author Susan Maushart . If you were interested, the book is incredibly powerful and a great read. It's an insight into how we continue to put this mask on pretending we're okay.

Pretending that we are not frightened that we've got it all together. And that we can keep on going. And the problem is we put this mask on ourselves and we look around and we see it on each other. And so we think we can't take it off and that just perpetuates the same story over and over again.

Doesn't it, it perpetuates the story of I have to be okay because everyone else around me is. Okay. So here's me saying we were allowed to not be okay. We're coming to the end of 2021. It's been an incredibly challenging year for all of us in so many different ways beyond just the global pandemic and everything that's been happening in our world.

For some reason, most of the conversations I have with women in my programs, in my community and my training, and also my friends. So many of us have had extra layers of challenges this year. And yet we feel like we should be all right. We feel like we get to the end of the year and we should have it all together.

That something like post pandemic depletion, which I've been speaking a lot about in the media lately, here in Australia is not something we can be okay with. And when I talk about post pandemic depletion, I want to honor where I got this idea from, which is Dr. Oscar Serrallach. And his insights into postnatal depletion, acknowledging that the changes and stresses of pregnancy birth.

And the first few months of sleep deprivation have a long-term effect on a woman's body. If we're not nurtured and supported through that time properly. And so using that explanation, I've also been reflecting and looking into whether we are now looking at something like the post pandemic depletion, where so many of us have been going through these extreme periods of stress, of extra responsibility of trauma and what that does to our body and to our mind, and to our nervous system, our hormone levels, our sleep.

And yet we keep pretending. We keep pretending the stress of whether borders will open or lock downs will happen again, or whether we'll be able to see our families for Christmas. We pretend that that's all okay. And it's not, it's actually not. And we're allowed to say, it's not. Me personally, I've been through the most challenging 18 months of my entire life.

I thought becoming a mama was my cracking open and it was, and yet the last 18 months I had been cracked open in more ways than I ever thought possible. And I was doing okay for a while. But the tsunami of changes of challenges of traumas that kept rolling over me this year meant that I had to admit maybe I wasn't.

Okay. Not in a big grand scheme of things, not in a breakdown way, but just in a, I am not okay. Inside of me. I'm tired. It's been a lot . It's been a lot and I need to slow down. I need to ask for more help. I need to say out loud, this is hard.

But this need to pretend we're okay. Is so strong. It's so dominant in our culture that even when we have the courage to say, Hey today, I'm struggling a bit. Can you help me? I know for myself, I wake up the next day and want to tell everybody don't worry about it. Don't worry. I'm all good. I had a good night's sleep.

But what postnatal depletion and post pandemic depletion teaches us is that the okayness doesn't come from one night sleep. It doesn't come from just one moment of a babysitter stepping in or grandmother taking the kids for a night. This is about long-term rebuilding and resetting, and that's allowed to be okay.

We're allowed to say out loud, it's been a lot and this is what I need. We live in a world that celebrates industrialization. Industrialization requires us as human beings to show up at the conveyor belt day in, day out and do the same thing over and over again. We live in a time when our education system and many of our workplaces are still built on the same idea.

Show up, do the same thing, learn the skills and repeat over and over again.

So have you ever thought. That there's an internal industrialization that we ourselves do this to ourself that we think we have to show up again the next day, no matter what part of what I believe the world is asking us to do right now, mamas is it's asking us to question and then reject this idea.

That we have to always be okay and ready. And on that we get micro-moments have not being okay, but then we need to step back into it again. And so recently on a podcast interview where I was being interviewed, I was asked, what is your definition of success, Amy? And I said, this is something I've struggled with for most of my adult life.

Success when I was younger, meant busy-ness achievements, numbers dollars rankings on bestsellers list. Number of podcasts, downloads number of women in my program. In other words, an industrialized response, because more is better. Productivity is the best. Whereas now success means to me. That I am able to be in my work, doing what I need to do for all of you and for the vision that I have.

But when my body, my family, my world needs me. I can step back. And the business runs on its own that others are able to step in that there's enough structure. There's enough reliability, there's enough foundation for it to continue without me. That is a mind blowing difference for me, success was always in the old days about me doing it all me out there doing it all.

Now I've completely redefined success. Successes, a business, a life that supports me when, and if I'm not okay. That it is there waiting and holding things together for me. So I can go where I need to be, whether that's to support my daughter, whether that's to support my son or me, my friends, my parents, future pets.

It doesn't matter. Surely that's our new definition of success. Success that isn't reliant on us showing up at the same time every day and repeating the same thing. Success the relies on us on sometimes not being okay. So divine mama, as we walk towards the end of this year, I wonder, are you okay? Really?

Behind the mask? Are you okay? And if you're not. Please know, from the bottom of my heart, it's okay to not be okay. It's been a lot. And instead of pretending that where, okay, let's promise each other right now that we're going to take that mask off and we're going to redefine success and say, you know what?

It's going to take us a little while to heal, to rebuild, to find our strength, to find our trust again, to believe that we're going to be able to see our families to believe that our world is safe. It's going to take us a moment and that's okay. Take all the time you need beautiful. Take all the time you need.

We're going to be okay. But only if we allow ourselves to sometimes admit that we're not thanks for walking this path with me, share this podcast with the women in your lives, showing them that you're taking that mask off so they can take theirs off. And thank you for being here until next week. So that numb.

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I'm Amy.

I'm a matrescence activist - here to revolutionise the way you feel about yourself as a mama, and transform the way the world values and supports all mothers, everywhere.

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