Can we talk for a moment about grief? I don't think it's something we do very well because so often we see our future in a certain way and letting go can be really hard work. Listen as I reflect on a recent conversation I had and talk about:
- What happens when you experience the start of life? Do your priorities change? Are you a different person? That's what matresence is.
- The grief of who we thought we were going to be.
- Grief is a process, like all of these seasons and cycles in our life.
- How grief can be exhausting, and also a catalyst for great change too.
There needs to be a change in the way mothers are valued and seen in our society. We are here to spread the whispers of Matrescence together. Find out more and receive your Matrescence map here https://amytkb.wpengine.com/matrescence/
Transcript
Welcome to the Happy Mama Movement Podcast.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:I'm Amy Taylor-Kabbaz.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:I would like to start by acknowledging the Gadigal people of the Aura nation
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:on which this podcast is recorded, as the traditional custodians of this land.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And pay my respects to the elders past, present and emerging.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And, as this podcast is dedicated to the wisdom and knowledge of motherhood, I
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:would like to acknowledge the mothers of this land, the elders, their wisdom, their
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:knowing and my own elders and teachers.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Welcome back Mamas.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Can we talk for a moment about grief?
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:It is just past father's day here in Australia.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:A day that was tough.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:My kids now spend Father's Day with their Dad, of course.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And in the first days of our separation, I had visions of us
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:still spending these days together.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:In fact, I remember a conversation around making sure we did just that.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Two years on, and Father's Day is with him at his place.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And that is a deep reminder of what has been lost.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And I wanted to reflect on this with all of you, no matter
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:what it is, we are grieving.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:This is a conversation that I had with a beautiful friend today.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:That moved me so much and inspired me so much, I had to
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:jump on here and record this.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Because whether we're talking about grieving, the end of a relationship,
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:grieving someone we've lost or grieving a time and a season in our life, I
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:don't think we do grief very well.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:It reminds me of Dr Aurelie Athan, my mentor and teacher on matresence.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:She came to the work of matresence by actually looking at what happens to
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:a person when they experience the end of life is often like some kind of
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:awakening, suddenly their priorities change, and they don't care about
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:the things they used to care about and they make different decisions.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:They are different people because of what they've experienced.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And she wondered, does the same thing happen when you
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:experience the start of life?
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Do your priorities change?
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Are you a different person?
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And of course we all know the answer is, yes.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And that's what matresence is.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:But what I really wanted to bring to all of us today is just as we
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:don't acknowledge the rite of passage of the beginning of something,
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:we also don't honor the rite of passage of the ending of something.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Grief is whatever you feel around the loss of something.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:This can be the loss of a job, the loss of a career, a dream that you had, that
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:you would be this person, and you would follow this path that was interrupted.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:There was definitely a grieving process for me, as I changed my
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:career, even though what I was walking towards was so exciting.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:There was a grieving of who I thought I was going to be.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Recently in a conversation, with a beautiful group of Mama Rising
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:coaches, as we gathered together on the Sunshine Coast in June.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:We had one end of the table of women, of Mamas all sitting together and each one of
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:us had a child who struggled in some way.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:One Mama had a child with autism, another with ADHD, me a child,
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:struggling with mental illness.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Each one of us really having a conversation around the
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:process of acceptance.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Because, there is an assumption.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:I think you could say there's an assumption of when you're in the toddler
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:stage and in the early childhood stage that your child will get to a level of
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:independence and not need you as much.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:You see your future a certain way.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:You assume they're going to be healthy in this way.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:You assume their independence, their opportunities.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And in the process of accepting a diagnosis or an understanding of
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:your child, there's a grieving.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:A grieving for them and also a grieving for you.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And so again, I think all of us, as we move through matresence, part of this
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:process is a process of learning how to let go of what we thought it would be.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Whether it's Father's Day, whether it's a healthy child.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Whether it's another baby, another pregnancy, whether it's a
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:career, your body, your freedom, marathons that you used to run.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Whatever it is in this season of our life and throughout our life.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:What if we could bring better understanding and rituals to the endings?
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Just as much as we are trying to bring better understanding to the beginnings.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:I don't have all the answers to this yet.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:I'm still very much moving through the grief of the ending of my
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:relationship, even though it's been two years since the first realisation.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:What I have come to realise is that grief as a process.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:I know shock horror, Amy.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:, you're not the first to say that, but I say that legitimately.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Like all of these seasons and cycles in our life, they sweep around and come back.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:I thought I was good, and then I wasn't.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:I thought I'd dealt with that, and then I realised I hadn't.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Some days I have other days I haven't.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Grief is exhausting, it's also the catalyst for great changes.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And with grief and the ending, there's always a new beginning too.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:So beautiful Mama, whatever it is that you are realising is no longer on your
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:path, whether it is an outcome for your child, an outcome for you, for your
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:relationship, your career, whatever.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Don't rush it.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Be okay with that process that seems to come back out of nowhere, be
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:okay with how you survived it and what you do every day to survive it.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Meet ourselves with kindness, always the first step.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:We can, and we're allowed to grieve the small things as much as the big things.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Grieving sleeping in.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Grieving passionate nights of sex with your partner without having
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:to worry about waking a baby.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Grieving the freedom to dedicate yourself to travel or work.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:None of that means that you don't love being in this season of motherhood.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:It's a lie if we tell ourselves that if we long for what we've lost, we
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:are not grateful for what we've got.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And so here we are, women of seasons and cycles.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Learning how to both celebrate the new and celebrate the end.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:To be okay with what is presented with us today.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:And if the emotions rise up out of nowhere, that's okay.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:I hope that this lands for whatever you are moving through,
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:both endings and beginnings.
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:Because this is what we should really be able to do with each other and for
Hello!
I'm Amy.
I'm a matrescence activist - here to revolutionise the way you feel about yourself as a mama, and transform the way the world values and supports all mothers, everywhere.
SUBSCRIBE
RECENT episodes
Understanding what matrescence is and how to navigate it is like being
handed a map.
Once you've got the map, the journey gets easier... and really, really exciting. Because it’s the making of you.
Get your Matrescence Map here - a six-page ebook which will empower you to understand why you feel the way you do, and the first steps to take.
Plus, receive updates on my podcast, programs, events and latest teachings every week.
