#222 – Needs vs Feeds with Amy Taylor-Kabbaz

December 16, 2022
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Welcome to the final episode for 2022.

How are you? I mean, really how are you?

I know it's cliché, but my goodness we have all been through a lot over the last three years. And this has created a sense of one thing after another, after another. As we pause at the end of another year, I invite you to reflect and think about our needs vs what feeds us. This concept has been presented to me again recently in the book Unbound by Kasia Urbaniak. Come with me as I explore and offer prompting questions in this solo episode. Talking about:

  • Expectations of us alongside subtle power dynamics. How we can unbind and free ourselves to actually get what we most need.
  • The balance of our mothering, giving, nurturing instincts and supporting what feeds our soul, heart and sense of self at the same time.
  • Grieving when we are not needed anymore, the seasons that ebb and flow and how that can present its own challenges.
  • Celebrating all we have done and who we are becoming, as we recognise and love our own needs alongside those of others.

Thank you for spending time with me today and for a wide range of Podcast episodes in 2022. As mentioned in this episode, the Mama Rising Facilitator training is open for enrolment in 2023. An opportunity to become a certified Mama Rising Facilitator in 2023, and teach and share the ground-breaking insight of Matrescence with the world.

Visit https://mamarising.net/mama-rising-2023/ to find out more.

Within these conversations we change the way mothers are valued and seen in our society and spread the whispers of Matrescence together.

Transcript
Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:

Welcome to the Happy Mama Movement Podcast.

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I'm Amy Taylor-Kabbaz.

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I would like to start by acknowledging the Gadigal people of the Aura nation

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on which this podcast is recorded, as the traditional custodians of this land.

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And pay my respects to the elders past, present and emerging.

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And, as this podcast is dedicated to the wisdom and knowledge of motherhood, I

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would like to acknowledge the mothers of this land, the elders, their wisdom, their

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knowing and my own elders and teachers.

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Welcome back Mamas.

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And welcome to our final episode for 2022.

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How are you?

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How are you at the end of this 12 month period in our lives again?

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I have taken quite a few days to think about what I want to

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share for our final episode.

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What I want to reflect on and what I hope I can invite you to reflect on.

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Because I know it's a cliche, but my goodness have we all been through

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a lot over the last three years.

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Beginning, of course in 2020, as the world locked down for the

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first time with the pandemic.

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And it feels like since then there's a little bit of a sense

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of one thing after another.

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I have the great privilege, and I mean that the great privilege, of listening to

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mamas around the world every single day.

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Reading messages in my social media, in my emails, sitting online with

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women who are currently doing the Mama Rising coaching certification, or in

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my ongoing membership, the Village, in coaching calls, in women's circles.

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And I know that there is a level of depletion that we are

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feeling after the last few years.

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There was a deep hope that as lockdowns and isolations and Covid

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related stress lifted, to some extent, that we would feel differently.

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That we would feel new again, alive again.

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And yet, from what I have witnessed in myself and so many

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others, that has not happened.

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Instead, it feels like one thing after another.

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Both small and big.

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Perhaps in your life it's been a lot of illnesses.

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Because we are all locked inside for so long, it feels like our

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immune systems forgot how to fight the common cold and all the little

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germs that our kids bring home.

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I know for so many there has been this real sense of one illness after another.

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For others, just getting back to the busyness of life again.

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Balancing afterschool activities with school, with work, with the

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realities of raising a family has felt heavier than usual.

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And again, I think that's a reflection of the exhaustion we feel.

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What I thought I could perhaps contribute to this conversation

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at the end of this year.

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Because that really is my intention, I'm not here to just have a chat, although

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I'd love to just have a chat with you.

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I want to be able to contribute to something that you can reflect

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on that perhaps will bring to light something for you.

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And when I sit and contemplate this year for me, what I have really seen

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is that, over the last three years from the start of 2020, I have been giving

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out more than I have been receiving.

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I've been giving out so much more than I have been receiving.

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Now, that's not a martyr statement.

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I'm not here to say woe is me.

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Look what I've been doing for the last two and a half years.

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Look at everything that I've been through.

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Look at what I've given to everybody, and I haven't received anything back.

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That is not the case at all.

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What I would love to explore with you right now is this idea of what

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feeds us rather than what needs us.

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This idea is not mine.

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Always acknowledging where I get these ideas and these insights from.

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This comes from the phenomenal book, Unbound by Kasia Urbaniak.

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I dunno if I'm pronouncing her name correctly, I do hope so.

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But this book, Unbound, I have been listening to the audio book on my

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walks with our new puppy every morning.

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Coming back to it over and over again.

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Is a reflection on what true power is and how as women, we are so bound up by

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the expectations of us, the subtle power dynamics in our relationships, in work, in

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our culture, and in our society, and how we can unbind ourselves, free ourselves

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to actually get what we most need.

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And she talked about this idea of the difference between need versus feed.

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That so much of our life as mothers and as women is people needing things from us.

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And we can of course give for so much we can give and give, and give, and give.

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That is very much in our nature, in motherhood, in womanhood, in our heart.

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But when that is out of balance from what feeds us, that is when we get

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angry, we are filled with resentment.

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We get sick, we get depleted.

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I've heard variations of this idea so many times over the years, you

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know, giving and receiving the feminine and the masculine, what you

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give out and what you take back in.

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But for this moment in my life and perhaps in yours as we come to the end of this

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year and reflect what I see in myself and in so many of you that I'd get to talk

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to is that the level of need has been so out of balance to what has fed us.

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Over the last three years, the needs that we have had to attend to on a daily,

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hourly, minute by minute basis has been disproportionate to what we are receiving,

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what is feeding us, what is feeding our soul, our heart, our sense of self.

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How this has shown up for me is that 2020 and 2021 was 100% people needing me.

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My children mostly, helping them through supporting them through a

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pandemic, their parents separating, the ongoing emotional needs that

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has come from both of those things.

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The mental health challenges that they've experienced, the daily, hourly,

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and minute by minute need for me.

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Even when they're not here, even when they're at their dad's, when

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the older ones are at school and they have their ability to be

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able to message me, it's endless.

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It's constant.

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I have felt needed for so long that I recognise is

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something I can't always change.

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I think for a long time I was focused on trying to change how much I was needed.

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I thought that was the solution.

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I need to create better boundaries.

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I need to cut back on some things.

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I need to make some new rules, make big changes and small changes, and

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all of the things I was focused on, how to change, how much I was needed.

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And in some ways I did that and it did help.

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I can't change how much my kids need me very much, but I

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made big changes in my work.

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Just again, just a few months ago, I made the decision to close down the membership

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of which is called the Village of Mamas, that I began in some form in March, 2020.

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For the last two and a half years, I have been holding space so happily, so happily

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for the most divine group of women.

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We have meditated together every Monday morning.

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We have cried.

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We have laughed.

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We have danced, literally.

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We have moved.

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We have listened.

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We have activated.

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We have explored our anger, our sexuality, our pleasure, our

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passion, our relationships with ourselves, with our partners, with

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our mothers, and with the universe.

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It has been absolutely a great privilege to be able to do that.

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But as I am coming to the end of this year I realised, this is

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something I can't hold anymore.

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I can't give anymore.

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And so I've decided to close that down in the first month of 2023.

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This was a recognition that there was more people were needing me than I could meet.

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And I now have a community of the most beautiful Mama Rising coaches

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and facilitators around the world that are waiting to welcome these mamas.

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I do not need to hold all the hands anymore.

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I don't need to be needed in this way anymore.

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These beautiful women that I have walked with for so long, we are coming

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to the end of our season together.

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And that is okay, and they can find what they need from

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other places and other spaces.

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Because it is time for me to look at what feeds me now, and that is what

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I really wanted to invite you to think about at the end of this year.

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Perhaps, like me, you are recognising the imbalance that has

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been there for a number of years.

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Perhaps, like me, you are only just beginning to realise how deep that goes.

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And perhaps, like me, you are beginning to realise as you listen to this, that

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not being needed brings its own challenge.

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It's like, I don't know if you remember this, but that first time your baby

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sleeps through the night and you wake up automatically anyway, and

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of course part of you is incredibly excited that that's just happened.

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But another part is grieving, like, oh, they don't need me.

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It's a bit like that.

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How do we as giving divine mamas and women with values of being available for

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our children and those we love, how do we balance the need with what feeds us?

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So as I said, I've recognised that the season of being needed by my children

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is not going to end any time soon.

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I have been blessed with three incredibly emotionally sensitive and intelligent

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children who feel everything deeply, and I am their safe place to land.

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I don't want that to change.

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However, I need to find other ways to feed myself if I'm going to be able to

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continue to be there when they need.

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So feeding myself, I guess the first thing we think of is things like

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self-care practices, and if you've been around for a while, you'll know

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I'm not a great fan of that term.

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Self-care.

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When you ask a mama or you tell a mama that what she needs is

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more self-care makes me angry.

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Because she doesn't need self care.

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She needs world care.

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She should not have to be doing more to look after herself.

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There should be others around.

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There should be a village of support.

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There should be people she calls on.

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There should be food dropped to her door.

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So self-care in the sense of doing things to feed myself, yes, of course they are

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on the list, but I want to think bigger.

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I want to think more about what feeds me, what feeds me, what nourishes me?

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What fills me up, what gives me energy, health, vitality, inspiration?

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And what about you?

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What feeds you?

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Perhaps the things you think feeds you are not anymore.

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Perhaps a commitment you can make in 2023 is to explore

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what it means to be well fed.

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Feeding me at the moment is very sensory.

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It's about beauty.

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It's about food.

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It's about touch.

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It's getting into bed at night and feeling the sheets.

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It's about stepping outside in the morning as the sun is coming up as

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I go to walk the dog and breathing in the smell of that pre dawn.

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It's about noticing.

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It's sensory feeding for me.

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It's even a fantastic movie, a brilliant book, a great song that

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is what at the moment in the most simple way, has begun to feed me.

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And what I recognised was how damn hungry I was.

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And so, divine Mama, congratulations on the year that has been in your life.

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Bravo for all that you have done.

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All that you have been through.

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I hope you can see all that you are and who you are becoming.

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I hope you take a moment to celebrate what you've done.

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To know that you've done the best you could, sometimes

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starving, sometimes giving out way more than you were taking in.

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So well done Mama.

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I'm with you.

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Here's to bring in more balance next year.

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Here's to recognising that when we are needed so much all of

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the time we need to be fed.

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Maybe through beauty, through relationships, through the breath.

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Through the breath, whatever that looks like.

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And thank you, for spending this time with me, we have so many

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beautiful things planned for 2023.

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Lots more traveling around and sitting with you in person

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I hope all over the world.

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We are of course, enrolling for Mama Rising, the coaching certification

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and facilitator training now.

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We are beginning in March, but an early enrollment is

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open now with a special offer.

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So please check that out if you'd like to join our phenomenal community.

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We have special podcast series planned.

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We have so many beautiful things, perhaps even a new book.

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But thank you again for being here.

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I hope you feel a little more fed right now and happy new year.

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Hello!

I'm Amy.

I'm a matrescence activist - here to revolutionise the way you feel about yourself as a mama, and transform the way the world values and supports all mothers, everywhere.

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